IReallyNeedMoreFunPlease 5: Shagged as hell

30th November 2016, 8:29 GMT

Oh hey there.

Didn't see you.

I'm really tired.

Did a really cool erg session of two kilometres. Didn't get a particularly good time, but I was really consistent. Well done me.

Now, time to sleep.

Or do more work.

Whichever fancies me.

Ireallyneedmorefunplease 4: Late night thoughts

29 November 2016, 3:23 AM GMT

So.

I'm writing this late at night. In an effort to pen down all my thoughts in the shower.

I realised today that the reason she didn't want me around, might not have been because she didn't love me anymore.

As I let the hot water pour down me I considered my disdain towards how regular University students here in Oxford live their lives clubbing, and then realised that she might have feared my disdain for her behaviour in University. She didn't want to present the crazy side of herself to me, the side who wanted to revel in and enjoy the madness of university, because she knew of my hatred towards slackers and their ilk.

Oh, shit.

Before this, I had sincerely thought that her love for me was dead. That was the only reason in my mind for our break up. But then that sneaky little bit of enlightenment came to me in the shower, and basically flipped my world upside down.

Oh, shit.

Well. What do I freaking do now then?  Apologise? Definitely. Ask for forgiveness? Definitely. Talk to her about it? Definitely.

That's it for tonight, people.

Oh god I've been so ridiculously stupid. I've been nagging at her to sleep early and rest well when the whole point of her wanting away from me was so she could live that life. She wanted freedom to do whatever she wanted in university. I should've thought a little more on that bit.

I mean, I still disagree with how she feels one should pursue enjoyment and freedom in university. I subscribe to the "Enjoyment will come, but I must still be strict with myself" camp personally. But I can sympathise with how she feels. Or rather, I can't sympathise. Which is why we had to separate.

Darling. If you ever do read this. Do contact me. To tell me if I'm wrong or right. Because alas I feel like such a fool. And if you had wanted absolute freedom, if you had wanted me not to meddle in anything at all. Then you should've just told me. I really thought all this while you wanted my care but not for me to love you. I'm... rather shocked. To say the least. Alas, stupidity gets the better of me again. I can't believe I've been this blur. I really. Really can't believe it.

Fuck me, honey. Just tell me whatever you want, and I'll give it to you. Oh god why. I'm really sorry for this misunderstanding. When we spoke it really sounded like you didn't want anything to do with me anymore. It felt as if you were trying to mock my efforts to keep us together, just to mock me for leaving your side. I felt really lonely and really neglected. Like all my tries were ignored. Which is why I said what I said. Which is why I did what I did. I was rash. I'm sorry. Godddd why.

I wish I had come to this ingenious conclusion a few months back. Might've saved our relationship then. You do know that I'm not a particularly strict person by nature. The only reason I've been so strict on you is because I promised I'd take care of you. And you never told me to stop doing it. Part of the reason I felt so betrayed was because I was just doing what we'd agree on all those years back. And yet you were shoving me away. AAAA COMMUNICATION DARLING I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU THIS WAS THE PROBLEM. God if you wanted me to stop worrying about you and stop caring about your every move then tell me. It'd save me the effort, and save you the aggravation.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

SHIT.

Right. Time to be a new person.

Tsk you. Tsk me. Tsk everybody involved in this farce.

Let's just get back together and be all chill again. God's sake what kind of stupid shit was that. I care for the girl because I thought she wanted me to but in the truth she didn't want me to care for everything and so she kept pushing me away but because of that she wanted to break up with me when all I really wanted to do was do what we agreed on...

Also; it isn't entirely her fault. Looking back I realise there were tons, literal metric fucktons of hints that she didn't want me to care for her this intensely anymore. That she wanted to get hurt, that she wanted to get strong. And I didn't notice a single one of them. She wanted freedom from me because I was keeping a tight grip on her and trying to keep her on the track... but she never told me that she didn't like that part of me because she probably thought I would be insulted. Alas. I would tank a trillion insults from you to make you happy.

She told me she loved my kindness and so I tried to be more kind and care for her a lot more, but what she really loved was my gentleness and my easygoingness. Oh darling. You never were good with words. But in your defence I never was good with interpreting words either. She told me she wanted me to relax and enjoy my time with her but I was so caught up in the fact that those would've been our last few dates that I shattered it all. My plan right now is to play it cool. So hopefully we'd have tons more dates from now on.

Resquiscat in pacem, our communication skills. I'll brush up on that over here. Promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly.

Sorry darling. Do forgive me. I've been caught in this destructive spiral of hate for so long. But all of a sudden the shower gods touched me and gave me this realisation.

O shit.

Thank you god.

You da man. But really O shit. I love you so much, but because of miscommunication, this shit got rekt at the speed of light. Basically relativistic energies destruction. Like damn honey we were moving so fast that when we collided we exploded into photons and shit and flew on different tangents.

I really hope we can get back together. I see the path now. I am determined to prove myself now. xD S H I T Y O U C U N T G E T T H I N G S R I G H T.

Good night people. Love yall. Love mankind. Mankind is fantastic. Thank god for this enlightening shower thought. Bro probably changed my life today. In the showers. I can't wait to become a professor, go for talks and then tell everyone about how my life was changed in the showers. Perfect.

FIRE IN THE BELLY AND HELL IN THE GUT: IREALLYNEEDMOREFUNPLEASE 3

28th November 2016, 7:04 PM GMT

Yo waddup gais.

Channeling my inner madman here. Feels good. Can't wait to write some good shit. I've been reading extensively on bullshit, like I did in the past, and I must say it feels rather good.

I'm currently reading Face Perception, by Vicki Bruce and Andy Young. It's a wonderful book, which makes novel and interesting what we take for granted every day. It endeavours to explain what is it that makes a face, a face, and also describes the evolution of our perception of the face.

Rather fascinating. Perhaps my autistic-level inability to read facial expressions can be cured by this book.

I've also read some of the Economist.

Also it's time for me to talk to my more than likely ex fiancee. After this month I hope we've cooled enough.

>:D <3

Well.

Back to work. Ciao.

IReallyNeedMoreFunPlease 2: Talking to myself

26 November 3:49 PM GMT

It's been a day. Pretty blank day.

Watched a shit ton of XCOM: War Within, by Beaglerush. I must say the memes within it are quite spiffy. I also spent most of my day sleeping and doing special relativity. Really uneventful. I guess it really falls to me to make my life eventful.

Tsk.

Fine.

I'll go about that. After I finish my Vectors and Matrices Set 4, that is.

Short post. But fun.

IReallyNeedMoreFunPlease 1: IReallyNeedMoreFunPlease

26th November, 2016, 12:09:05 am GMT

To anyone who reads this,

Hello.

This is my first blog post.

I hope it will not be my last.

I am a student at Oxford University, studying Physics. My path has been filled with regrets, and every step has been wet with tears. But a man has to keep doing what he's doing, keep soldiering on. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

This year has been a year of many firsts in my life. It has been my last year of joy with my girlfriend. I left her at Changi Airport, on a cool September night. We hugged. We kissed. We bid each other farewell. And we exchanged our last "I love you." As we walked away from each other I felt nothing but emptiness. I felt like things between us were coming to an end, and since men never cry, (at least not in front of their fiancee's parent), I held my tears back. I turned back to see if she would wave me off. And she didn't.

That was probably the most painful moment of my life so far. I love her so much it's been utter hell every day to not speak to her at all. For the first few weeks I gazed at my phone for hours on end just hoping she would send me a text. Nowadays I just check once in a while, but it's hard to prevent myself from cracking in anxiety when she ignores me. I just have this incessant need to know how she is doing. Now I might just be overly clingy, but the urge to make sure she's living well just consumes me at times. I feel so guilty for leaving her side. I feel so guilty for shattering her heart. I feel so guilty for hurting her so much. I feel so guilty for everything I've done to her. I feel like I've been so selfish and so bitchy and so clingy and I really want to make it up to her for all I've done.

But what's done is done.

And no matter how much I want to make things up to her, I can't do so without her participation. I can't lead her on long walks in the park. I can't send her love letters filled with music and mushy quotes. I can't show her how beautiful the city I am living in is. I can't give her all that Oxford has to offer. I can't do anything. I am sorry my dear. I truly am. I can't emphasise how sorry I am. How much regret I am harbouring. How much I want to make things up to you. I would give anything to have another chance with her. I would give my life if I was granted just one last day of joy with her. That's how selfish I am. That I would compromise on supporting her throughout her life, and bend to my selfish neediness to have 1 mildly impactful day of joy with her. I feel so disgusted with myself but at the same time I cannot deny that this is indeed myself. I am a selfish, needy prick who took everything and gave nothing in return.

This must change.

As a student living in Oxford, I am quite literally at the narrow peak of academia. Coming here, however, has only opened my eyes to my utter incompleteness. Character-wise, and skill-wise, I am far below what I expected myself to be. The massive change has exposed the weaknesses in my psyche and my conduct, and I intend to leverage fully on this opportunity. I have to take all this pain, all this suffering I am going through and temper myself with it. I owe it to everyone I've ever hurt. I owe it to her.

My weaknesses so far:

An over-reliance on the people I trust for mental support. I need to be more independent. You'd think that this is something an Oxford student should possess, but I am really lacking in this aspect. I need to strike it out on my own, to teach myself how to act autonomously again. For so long I had been acting with her in mind - arranging my lifestyle around hers. I should really learn to think more for myself again. I should also take this opportunity to understand how to build new social bridges - living with her alone just won't cut it anymore, and even if I do get back together with her, I will ensure that I have other friends who can give me support and advice when I need it.

I should also learn to give without expecting anything in return. Just read the above paragraph and tell me if it reeks of selfishness. "Give me support and advice when I need it." BLEH! I expect what I really need to learn to do is to learn to love people other than her. I need to open my heart to them, to care for them genuinely.

Alas, if only I could pull it off just by talking about it.

I also get really emotional when it comes to things which really matter to me. I need to stay calm and composed, especially at these critical moments. My encounters and defeats at the hand of my more than likely ex-fiancee has only widened and made more apparent this old wound of mine. I even called her a bitch, at my angriest. No man in his right mind would call his wife a bitch. I should just really be executed. But since laws aren't as draconian as they are in my mind, I am alive. And I intend to put this new life to good use. I have died many times in this manner. But only now am I beginning to realise that I haven't really put many of those new lives to good use. This must change. This blog will be an aid for me to do so.

I also love lying. God dammit stop lying. Stop it. Not even a white lie. Just keep quiet. Not a lie. NOT A LIE. If I am given another chance, I will be entirely truthful to her, and I will work hard to make sure I can back up whatever lies I have told her before. This is so that I can just claim I was chronologically impaired or something. This is imperative. Absolutely compulsory.

And that's all I have for right now.

So now, on to my short term goals for now:

Get back on speaking terms with her. Start to show her everything I've wanted to show her. Heal her wounds, and care for her with pure intentions. Emphasis on purity is necessary. Do not fuck this up again, you hear me? YOU TWAT.

Start writing good stuff again. I feel my mind freeing up, buzzing, I feel the emotions awakening within me again, and I feel the need to put them on paper again. Do not let your pain cloud your ambitions. Work hard, strive to make sure you can clear that pain right up.

Study hard. Eliminate sloppiness. Pride must be severed from ambition. I cannot believe that I am at the top of the world and still strive to reach the apex.

And that's it. Three goals.

Self Update:

Physical health: Quite bad. Coughs, a lack of good nutritious food. A lack of sleep too. Need for remedy: Start ASAP on the good food. Sleep cycles can be slowly corrected.

Mental health: What is the meaning of life? Has been one of the questions I keep asking myself. I take that to be bad. Case closed. It is awkward to note about my own mental retardation to myself. It is also pathetic to know the problem and not solve it actively.

Rowing: We didn't do too well. But we can improve. STRIVE ON! GO!

Studies: Average at best. Below average more than likely. I have noted my sloppiness. Time to correct it. Aim to do questions extremely quickly and easily.

(Maybe Ex)Fiancee: Bad. Nuff said. But I'm not giving up hope.

Music: Gotta put out those mixtapes to touch her heart. Lets make some Matrix - Generated music! Why the hell not.