IReallyNeedMoreFunPlease 1: IReallyNeedMoreFunPlease

26th November, 2016, 12:09:05 am GMT

To anyone who reads this,

Hello.

This is my first blog post.

I hope it will not be my last.

I am a student at Oxford University, studying Physics. My path has been filled with regrets, and every step has been wet with tears. But a man has to keep doing what he's doing, keep soldiering on. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

This year has been a year of many firsts in my life. It has been my last year of joy with my girlfriend. I left her at Changi Airport, on a cool September night. We hugged. We kissed. We bid each other farewell. And we exchanged our last "I love you." As we walked away from each other I felt nothing but emptiness. I felt like things between us were coming to an end, and since men never cry, (at least not in front of their fiancee's parent), I held my tears back. I turned back to see if she would wave me off. And she didn't.

That was probably the most painful moment of my life so far. I love her so much it's been utter hell every day to not speak to her at all. For the first few weeks I gazed at my phone for hours on end just hoping she would send me a text. Nowadays I just check once in a while, but it's hard to prevent myself from cracking in anxiety when she ignores me. I just have this incessant need to know how she is doing. Now I might just be overly clingy, but the urge to make sure she's living well just consumes me at times. I feel so guilty for leaving her side. I feel so guilty for shattering her heart. I feel so guilty for hurting her so much. I feel so guilty for everything I've done to her. I feel like I've been so selfish and so bitchy and so clingy and I really want to make it up to her for all I've done.

But what's done is done.

And no matter how much I want to make things up to her, I can't do so without her participation. I can't lead her on long walks in the park. I can't send her love letters filled with music and mushy quotes. I can't show her how beautiful the city I am living in is. I can't give her all that Oxford has to offer. I can't do anything. I am sorry my dear. I truly am. I can't emphasise how sorry I am. How much regret I am harbouring. How much I want to make things up to you. I would give anything to have another chance with her. I would give my life if I was granted just one last day of joy with her. That's how selfish I am. That I would compromise on supporting her throughout her life, and bend to my selfish neediness to have 1 mildly impactful day of joy with her. I feel so disgusted with myself but at the same time I cannot deny that this is indeed myself. I am a selfish, needy prick who took everything and gave nothing in return.

This must change.

As a student living in Oxford, I am quite literally at the narrow peak of academia. Coming here, however, has only opened my eyes to my utter incompleteness. Character-wise, and skill-wise, I am far below what I expected myself to be. The massive change has exposed the weaknesses in my psyche and my conduct, and I intend to leverage fully on this opportunity. I have to take all this pain, all this suffering I am going through and temper myself with it. I owe it to everyone I've ever hurt. I owe it to her.

My weaknesses so far:

An over-reliance on the people I trust for mental support. I need to be more independent. You'd think that this is something an Oxford student should possess, but I am really lacking in this aspect. I need to strike it out on my own, to teach myself how to act autonomously again. For so long I had been acting with her in mind - arranging my lifestyle around hers. I should really learn to think more for myself again. I should also take this opportunity to understand how to build new social bridges - living with her alone just won't cut it anymore, and even if I do get back together with her, I will ensure that I have other friends who can give me support and advice when I need it.

I should also learn to give without expecting anything in return. Just read the above paragraph and tell me if it reeks of selfishness. "Give me support and advice when I need it." BLEH! I expect what I really need to learn to do is to learn to love people other than her. I need to open my heart to them, to care for them genuinely.

Alas, if only I could pull it off just by talking about it.

I also get really emotional when it comes to things which really matter to me. I need to stay calm and composed, especially at these critical moments. My encounters and defeats at the hand of my more than likely ex-fiancee has only widened and made more apparent this old wound of mine. I even called her a bitch, at my angriest. No man in his right mind would call his wife a bitch. I should just really be executed. But since laws aren't as draconian as they are in my mind, I am alive. And I intend to put this new life to good use. I have died many times in this manner. But only now am I beginning to realise that I haven't really put many of those new lives to good use. This must change. This blog will be an aid for me to do so.

I also love lying. God dammit stop lying. Stop it. Not even a white lie. Just keep quiet. Not a lie. NOT A LIE. If I am given another chance, I will be entirely truthful to her, and I will work hard to make sure I can back up whatever lies I have told her before. This is so that I can just claim I was chronologically impaired or something. This is imperative. Absolutely compulsory.

And that's all I have for right now.

So now, on to my short term goals for now:

Get back on speaking terms with her. Start to show her everything I've wanted to show her. Heal her wounds, and care for her with pure intentions. Emphasis on purity is necessary. Do not fuck this up again, you hear me? YOU TWAT.

Start writing good stuff again. I feel my mind freeing up, buzzing, I feel the emotions awakening within me again, and I feel the need to put them on paper again. Do not let your pain cloud your ambitions. Work hard, strive to make sure you can clear that pain right up.

Study hard. Eliminate sloppiness. Pride must be severed from ambition. I cannot believe that I am at the top of the world and still strive to reach the apex.

And that's it. Three goals.

Self Update:

Physical health: Quite bad. Coughs, a lack of good nutritious food. A lack of sleep too. Need for remedy: Start ASAP on the good food. Sleep cycles can be slowly corrected.

Mental health: What is the meaning of life? Has been one of the questions I keep asking myself. I take that to be bad. Case closed. It is awkward to note about my own mental retardation to myself. It is also pathetic to know the problem and not solve it actively.

Rowing: We didn't do too well. But we can improve. STRIVE ON! GO!

Studies: Average at best. Below average more than likely. I have noted my sloppiness. Time to correct it. Aim to do questions extremely quickly and easily.

(Maybe Ex)Fiancee: Bad. Nuff said. But I'm not giving up hope.

Music: Gotta put out those mixtapes to touch her heart. Lets make some Matrix - Generated music! Why the hell not.